Avast —a nautical command to stop or cease.
I have accomplished more in the past eighteen days than I have during the time period of December 2007 to August 11, 2009. Here is a summarized list of my accomplishments:
Found an appropriate and suitable house; retrieved and organized furniture and other items for use within the house; bought food to cook within the house; connected utilities for improved functionality of the house; prepared the backyard to be used by the miniature schnauzers; sprayed a mild poison around the perimeter of the house to repel spiders from housing within my house; successfully executed my enormous loan; bought a bike; rode said bike to and from the law school eight days in a row; set-up a sufficient desk on which to study; regained an appetite for food as compared to booze and cigarettes; attended each and every class faithfully; established myself as a liberal, even amongst a liberal school; determined which professor I will not get along with for the next five months; researched and then succesfully accomplished the relighting of a pilot light; engaged in meaningful conversation; took into account the law-school experience at large; was not entirely jaded by law-school experience at large; rekindled the loving admiration of a certain black miniature schnauzer; made a friend in a fellow law student named Jake; drank several glasses of beer far better than that which I had ever tasted before with my fellow law student named Jake; studied once in the school library; and, finally, managed to complete the Molten Core instance on World of Warcraft, albeit with a level 72 character. Oh yeah, I also regained some element of good faith in the dating scene, despite the hurdles of insufficient geographic proximity to the one I fancy.
And it wasn't until sometime around 1 P.M. PST today that I stumbled upon the beginning of a spotty and imperfect realization . . .
It seems that today I am forced into self-reassessment, the sort where the expectations of what I ought to be doing seem to have changed around me and I am left with this shell of responsibility that requires my immediate attention . . . what a bitch. Nothing compares to the tacit, and somewhat forceful, ushering of one's responsibility from one spectrum to the other. I suppose I should refrain from using the word tacit due to the events leading me into this hot-mess are the result of my unyielding desire to go off to a school that's not only far away, but is extremely demanding. I wonder if I'm masochistic, or maybe I'm driven, or perhaps this is the sort of self induced crucible that prevents the horrors of poverty and an ill-formed way of going about life. Perhaps I just have something to prove to someone, although I couldn't rightly tell you who would need proof of my educational dedication. Or maybe none of these explanations do justice to the purposeful upsetting of my way of living, sometimes I think the law calls to me simply because there is nothing else I would rather do. It is this that I bank on, this is the sort of thought that gets me through eight hours of studying.
I've found something beautiful in this accomplished loneliness. When you haven't a person around to love or give attention to, or even to smoke cigarettes with this sort of melancholy realization that you are absolutely free seeps over you. Today I woke up and did not brush my teeth. I didn't shower until 5 P.M. I laid half naked in my bed reading assorted material and fell into this sort of hyper-autonomous stupor of absorbtion and entertainment. No one called. No one asked a single thing of me. The only pressing issue was two cases to be briefed for civil procedure - which I did at my leisure. The day wore down and I finally took notice of my unkempt, liberated state. It was striking to think of the effort I put forward, even in times of leisure, for someone with whom I share a bed. Despite my desire to have a "her" there I have to admit it felt fucking great to be a slob. Because tomorrow I rise early and take aim at studious things. Tomorrow gets to be another in a long series of days in which I supposedly emerge with a law degree. Today I get to be nothing but a person alone in his room with good music being stolen off the internet and a neglected law book on his desk.
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1 comment:
Ya, nothing beats that feeling of being all alone in new surroundings. When I went to Ghana last summer to work for that newspaper, I remember just feeling super ambitious and excited for new challenges. I'd be alone, not paying any attention to what I was wearing, how I was sitting, or even whether I was talking to myself or to a book. It makes me wonder what I could accomplish at home if I had more dedication than ridiculous time-wasting activities.
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