metaphysical cornflakes, now existing in a store near you

i feel idolatrous right now. i keep praising idols that have no meaning. i keep giving them my attention, yet they never, ever, fulfill.

i think i understand why.

some people believe in god. some believe in the republican party. they're usually the same people.
some people believe in themselves, others in their lovers, others in their children.
some people find meaning in abstractism, some find it in money, some in apathy.

some simply do not find meaning, but muster a resilience that reveals meaningful existence.

the existentialists achieve salvation through revelation, the nihilists find it through disassociation; the pragmatists through relevance.

sometimes i find it, but i lose it quickly. it gets lost in sentimental bullshit and good cheer.

sometimes i drink it, sometimes i kiss it. but not usually, and never for long.

up for a progressive stretch? good, so am i.

suppose that the majority of us define reality as a search for meaning. not the best route to go, but surely a popular one. if this is true then some serious implications need to be realized.

this is where part two comes in:
Plato suggested that it is impossible for us to make choices contrary to our will. in every situation, given the circumstance of physical autonomy, we willed exactly what we have decided to will. as a result, it is impossible to fore go the excuse of wrongness from our actions. this is not to say that mistakes cannot be made, they certainly can. however it is wrong to suggest that the "take" part of mistake did not occur.

given this, let us look to the idea of meaningfulness in subjective reality. our actions within this realm are our will. whatever our desires may be in our search for meaningfulness we will the actions we take.

to deem this search worthy then, we must exploit our own vulnerability. my existence is the process of my desires. my desires are the measure of my will, and my actions fall somewhere on the shady plane of good results.

to the point then: ive reached a barrier my friends (and as with every good conflict i feel the need to post it pointlessly onto a public forum) to what extent am i remaining authentic when i pursue a major goal and withhold my own desires? let me give an example: i felt strongly for someone, realized certain circumstances existed that would not work for me, but went after her anyway. after the 3rd or 4th failure i find myself demanding an explanation from a backlit screen with a keyboard far too plastic to give my words any real meaning.

to what extent should any individual ever withhold their iniate desire? im not talking about simple conflicts like holding off on the candy before dinner; im wondering what level of personal negligence is appropriate when dealing with a greater goal. to push farther i would wonder what exactly the lengths we are withholding from ourselves in order to find meaning in this existence.
you know who you are.
you philistines of the new century.
how much will you destroy within yourselves to find that greater purpose?

why is it that good things are hard to work for?
why is it that i should care about any others desires when i cannot meet my own?
truthfully, what length does moderation and ethical constraint hold when one considers the elements of luck and circumstance and the general variation between one person and the next.

tie me up harder reality, push me back into the spot of canned, delicious, "ben goodness" and make me an inauthentic process of society, love, lust, religion, and culture.

fuck it, im neither rebel nor citizen. im a captive with an understanding of captivity; the very worst kind.